technicallyhellbound | for @convincingsmile - Nobody's dying today (probably)

for @convincingsmile - Nobody's dying today (probably)

Edwin knew as soon as he fell through the mirror that something was wrong, and not just a little bit wrong, but the kind of wrong that made the whole world tilt on its axis a little.

It wasn't a misdirected portal, not like the case that had ultimately led them to Crystal, not like many other failures of concentration when traversing mirror portals before, it was something else, and he couldn't place what it was. All he knew was that he'd simply passed through the mirror in question and had landed, hard on the floor on the other side of the room, hard enough that he actually skidded a couple of feet and that couldn't be right because that actually hurt, and hurt in the way he hadn't felt in... well, decades.

It was enough to tumble him against the far wall just from his own momentum, impacting hard enough to knock the breath out of his lungs, and that was definitely wrong, because he shouldn't have had breath or lungs. He could see, even through pain-hazed vision that the poltergeist he'd been baiting had, indeed, gotten caught in the trap he himself had leapt over when aiming for the mirror.

That was, however, the last thing he saw before the half-rotted-through loft floor gave way beneath his sudden and unexpected weight, sending him falling, flailing, scraped to ribbons on the broken slats, to the ground below, and he was reasonably sure he'd actually heard something snap on impact, ribs, if the sudden radiating pain was anything to go by, though his shoulder wasn't in good shape either, and that was an entirely different kind of pain, just layering on top of the feeling of the ragged scratches from the wood, and it occurred to him, dimly, that he'd forgotten how much he hated the feeling of blood on his skin.

It had been different in Hell, the pain, the sensations in general, all of it, it had been horrible, yes, but it was so much more visceral now, and even as his vision began to go hazy again, head swimming, his last thoughts were trying to remember how he'd somehow gotten separated from Charles, who had been barely a step behind him when he'd rounded the corner into the loft pursued by the poltergeist now trapped securely above him.

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"I wan'ed to be alive with you, together with you..." Charles cried clinging to Edwin and pressing his face into his shoulder. The more he realized he wasn't alive, that he had lost the body he had the worse it got. And he couldn't stop it, the crying.

Now that he knew how it would be being alive, and being together with Edwin... It was horrible. He had dreamed about it, imagined it, but then he could live it. And it was... everything he wanted. And even if he knew it wasn't forever, it still hurt to wake up to their reality. And even Charles didn't expect that.

Edwin definitely knew better than to say that wouldn't have been an option even if they wanted it, because for a short while it had been, and they hadn't known it was only temporary at first.

He pressed a kiss to the top of Charles' head, "I know." While it wasn't a feeling he shared, vastly preferring being a ghost -though he couldn't really say he liked being dead it was more the circumstances than anything- he knew that it was important to Charles.

The same way he knew that explaining how many more people they could still help wouldn't actually help Charles right then. It was occurring to him, and not for the first time, that he really didn't know how to comfort much of anyone, but especially Charles, who more than anyone he should have known what to say to make him feel better, but the things Edwin found comforting about their usual state were the things Charles hated, so he only said, "I know." Again, gathering Charles all the closer.

Charles was too deep into his grief to see the good that came with their existence. The good that came with getting to know Edwin. Charles was glad for it all, he wouldn't change it for the world. He also knew Edwin liked being a ghost, living was a burden to him, something he let go a long time ago. But right now, all Charles felt was... just the loss of their lives.

He clung to Edwin, clawing at his jacket as he was trying to keep himself together, and failing.

It took Charles a while to calm down, and he needed to cling to Edwin through it. Otherwise, he suspected it would have been worse. Even after he stopped crying he didn't let go of the other. He closed his eyes, taking a useless breath, feeling like he would float away if he let go.

"Sorry," he croaked when he could speak.

Edwin just held him, if all he could do was be an anchor or a shore to beat himself against until the emotion ran out, then that was what he could do, just rocking slowly, letting Charles' emotions run their course.

He ran his fingers through Charles' hair again at the apology, giving a little shake of his head, "You've nothing to apologize for, Charles. I know this..." There was that little twist to his mouth that meant he was trying to find a better way to say something, "I know it isn't what you would have chosen."

At Edwin's words, Charles put his arms around him tighter, as if to keep him there, as if Edwin would leave now that he so clearly indicated that he... hated being dead.

But that was the thing, he didn't hate being dead, not like that. He loved being with Edwin, he was the best thing that happened to him, the agency, the afterlife they carved out for themselves.

Truly, Charles didn't choose to die, but he chose to be with Edwin. It was his decision and Edwin let him.

"...I chose you, didn't I?" Charles sniffed. It wasn't an accusation, more like a reassurance.

Edwin's smile was soft and undeniably warm, settling into that tighter hug with a hum of agreement, "Yes, I suppose you did." There was definite amusement in his voice as he added: "Didn't give me much say in the matter, as I recall."

That same amusement held as he lifted his head to where he could actually see Charles' face, making it clear that he wasn't at all objecting to that fact, especially as he added, "Though, I suppose that's my own fault for only giving token arguments at best."

It wasn't like Charles felt there was anything to do in the moment he decided to go with Edwin. He clung to the only thing that made him smile and feel safe. He didn't exactly know that it would bloom into love soon, but it did.

Charles moved his head too, eying Edwin as he answered. God, he loved him so much. He wished he could give him the world... but wasn't that selfish? The world was alive in Charles's eyes, and they were dead... and Edwin didn't want the world of the living. So maybe Charles wanted the world for himself, with Edwin in it. He smiled either way, tears rolling down his cheeks, leaning in to brush his lips against Edwin's.

"Can we stay like this a bit more?" he asked quietly. He didn't feel he was ready to just walk out of here yet. It would make it more real, that he was a ghost again.

Edwin had tilted his head into that kiss, as gentle as it was, blinking slowly at the quiet question. He nodded all the same, "Of course we can. But that means I should probably wear something more comfortable." His brow creased a little, one hand tugging at the front of his jacket even as his outfit shifted to something like the pajamas he'd been wearing before, even his hair relaxing from its usual pomaded placement.

His brow creased a little then, realizing that Charles was still in the state he was in when he'd died, voice quiet as he added, "And let's get you out of these wet things, too, shall we?"

Charles let out a sigh he didn't know he was holding. He realized he was sure that Edwin would want to go back to their cases now that they were back to normal, and he wasn't ready for that. So he watched fondly as Edwin shifted his attire to something more comfortable.

"Aight, yeah," Charles whispered to himself in a nod. He didn't have to look at himself to know how shitty he looked; wet and bruised and... dead. Cold and dead. With a sniff, he concentrated on shifting into something else. He decided on tracksuit bottoms and an undershirt. Though after some consideration, he got rid of the shirt and left only the bottoms. Maybe he just wanted to feel more of Edwin without too many clothes between them. Now that couldn't touch his skin anymore. "Did you have fun?" Charles asked, then, rubbing his wet cheeks.

It was just past midnight, they would have been closing down for the day anyway, unless they already had a case that required them to be about during the day, so it wasn't as if they actually had cases to go to, and finishing up the notes of the case that had interrupted their time alive could wait.

He relaxed as Charles shifted to something more comfortable as well, nodding at the question even as he tugged the blanket back up over them both, able to feel the weight of it, in a way, if not the actual warmth, "I did. Even despite the unpleasant parts, on the whole I did enjoy myself."

As laid down and got comfortable again, Charles expected to feel relaxed, as his body would do, but nothing of the such came. He felt his spirit relax but it was an entirely different sensation, merely a mocking of what a body can do. He blinked some tears out of his eyes, eying Edwin. He reached out, messing with the boy's hair, missing the sensation of his locks between his fingers.

"You looked so handsome, yeah? With the birds," Charles whispered, remembering it as his trembling fingers caressed Edwin's cheek. "Rare to see you smile like that," he said.

"Is it?" He asked, brow creasing a little, as if calculating. He hadn't really realized that he'd smiled more that day than he had in the past three months combined, "I suppose that means I should endeavour to do more of it."

He wouldn't manage it, and he knew he wouldn't, but that wasn't going to stop him from suggesting it all the same, especially when it clearly meant something to Charles. It was also why he added, "I don't... it's not really something I think about, that's all."

Charles let out a weak laugh.

"Smiling isn't something people think about, innit?" he said, moving closer. He wished he could still feel the pull of sleep, just like he did before. But it should have been enough to feel Edwin close under the covers. "'M just glad you were happy, Edwin."

"No, no I suppose it isn't." He replied, because, well, it wasn't, and more than that he knew that if he tried smiling more often without actually feeling the need to, Charles would call him out on it -and rightly so- but it didn't stop him from feeling just a little disappointed, though he couldn't pin down why.

His brow creased a little, one hand lifting, just running a fingertip lightly along Charles' brow, "And did you? Enjoy yourself, that is?"

"I did... guess that's why it feels so shitty now. Cuz now I know how... how life could've been."

When Charles died, it was one part of relief; that he didn't have to deal with his bullies, that he didn't have to face his dad's wrath about being weak and a failure. He could run away, or so to speak. But the past few days? The concert, the dates with Edwin, the sex... oh, his life could have been like that. His life could have been something more, something better... He swallowed, looking away before it got him again. He cried enough as it is, but he still felt like he could cry so much more.

His brow furrowed, considering that for maybe the first time, because for him the past few days had only been a pleasant diversion, or mostly-pleasant anyway, and not a glimpse at how things might have been.

His arm curled more securely around Charles' waist, keeping him close, "I don't suppose I thought of it that way." He shook his head just a little, settling once more, but keeping that arm looped around his partner even as he explained, "If... well, if I hadn't been sacrificed, I likely would have died in the war, and if I'd somehow survived that, the best I could have hoped for was an amicable sort of marriage to a woman I hopefully liked well enough, maybe we could have been friends but likely wouldn't have actually loved each other. Would have been expected to have an heir to the family name, maybe live off my military pension, maybe take on a management role at a factory or a textile mill somewhere, but nothing more than that."

Another little head-shake, settling himself against Charles' side more comfortably, "So while this has been a lovely time, it was... it was a vacation rather than anything that might have been."

Charles slowly raised his gaze back at Edwin as he was talking. Then he reached out to stroke his hair fondly.

"'S really sad to think about it like that," he murmurs. Just thinking about Edwin dying in a war... he got flashback of him in Hell. I was sad that Edwin's death gave him a chance to a better existence. Or... something... different. A chance. "I wish I could've showed you it could be better, mate."

Once again, Charles had to realize that Edwin was not entirely a boy who died; he was a ghost. A truly supernatural entity, leaving his human nature and all thoughts of life behind. He wondered if he was ever going to be like that...

"'M still glad we've met," Charles added quietly. "Even if it was in death, yeah?"

"Oh undoubtedly." He replied easily as anything, giving a little shake of his head, "I know I wouldn't be who I am today if we'd never met."

He didn't know what -or who- he would be, but the undeniable truth was that Charles had changed him for the better, and would probably continue to do so for the duration of their existence.

"But I can tell you what I wouldn't be." Even as he considered saying it, something nervous built in his chest, tongue darting out over his lower lip, "I wouldn't be happy."

"Right there with you, mate," Charles smiled. He would have been a different person too, maybe angrier. Worse, probably. But as Edwin went on, Charles froze.

Oh. Oh... His hand went to caress Edwin's cheek.

"You're happy with me?" he asked, even if Edwin just said it. But, right... Charles knew they were happy together, he felt it every day. And yet, hearing it out loud still made his heart swell.

"I am." He agreed, amusement curling through his tone again, tilting his head into the hand on his cheek, just letting himself bask in the contact. Not quite the same as when they were alive, but there all the same, "I definitely would have told you by now if it were otherwise." He added, pinning Charles with a look, "You know I'm not shy about keeping my opinions to myself."

He was generally a little more tactful with Charles than he was with others, but that didn't negate the fact that he would have mentioned it if he were unhappy with their arrangement.

"I know that," Charles chuckled. It was part of Edwin's charm, that he never shied away from saying his opinion. Charles always loved when he did that. And yet, he was still surprised when Edwin admitted he liked to be with him.

"'S just good to hear it, innit?" Charles shrugged. Then he leaned in to kiss Edwin's lips.

Edwin had been about to answer that yes he supposed it was nice to hear, but then Charles was kissing him before he could say anything, and it was much easier -and preferable- to just return the kiss, relaxing incrementally against the other boy as he did, as if something about kissing Charles just unwound some of the lingering tension that was just inherent in Edwin's existence.

There was definitely one advantage to kissing as ghosts, and that was that he didn't have to break away to breathe, one hand sliding along Charles' jaw to the nape of his neck, and then up into the softer hair there, keeping him close, not ready to draw away just yet.

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for @convincingsmile - Nobody's dying today (probably)

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